my mom comes to me in pieces

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my mom comes to me in pieces

I did not know my mom that well while she was alive.  In her words, she did not want to know herself that well. And I don’t believe she wanted to be known. Or maybe she did. Because when others would ask her about something specific, she would give detailed answers. My sister-in-law was really good at this. This asking. They shared a more typical mother and daughter relationship than my mom and I.

Now that she’s been gone, she's showing herself more. Like these pots. The other day, we were at my dad’s house. He’s moving from the house he shared with my mom for the last 15 years and we were helping him clear some things out. It was around 5 p.m. so in our family, that’s wine time. So we were enjoying wine too. I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to what was going on around me, it was a lovely spring day and warm out and I was enjoying the breeze on the back porch. I heard Tim, my husband, ask if my brother was going to take “those pots.” Apparently my brother was not and Tim wanted them.  I did not see the pots since Tim loaded them in the car. And I was having wine.

Later that evening, I took my dinner out onto our back porch. And I see the pots. And tears immediately burn my eyes and some sort of expression is also thick in my throat. And I begin to sob. These pots. With their chipping exterior and familiar shapes - I feel exposed and raw. These pots, they are part of the fabric of me. And I didn’t even KNOW it. I’m sobbing really hard now. They adorned the courtyard walk leading up to our front door in the house I grew up in. Their typical inhabitants, geraniums. Red geraniums. Ugh. How these pots speak to me. How my mom speaks to me. Revealing a piece of herself to me. Perhaps that's how it would have felt to her, exposed and raw, to be known.

I can't believe how big the LOVE is. I think I tried to contain it for so long and now I just can't anymore. And it's this letting go that I've wanted but resisted and it's vulnerable and scary. And I'm so grateful.

I am grateful that she feels safe showing herself now. I feel her more intensely. The love I have for her is timeless.

My mother comes to me in pieces.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I REMEMBER

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I REMEMBER

I remember as if it were

Yesterday

But it was not

Yesterday

It was

Lifetimes ago

Literally

Lifetimes

Still

At the encounter

Of you

My soul memory

Was activated

And I felt you

So

It’s been difficult

To reach the understanding

That in this lifetime

Which is the one that matters

Cause it’s the one I’m in

That although I will always

Know and love your soul

Yours is not the type of human

With whom I wish

To be involved.

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ALONE

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ALONE

I am alone

This is not a cry out for help

No.

I am alone

And

It is this aloneness

That I must navigate

This is my path

Panic surges

Up into my throat

There is nowhere to turn

Each pathway

That used to be lit

Is dark

And so I sit

Alone

With me

In the dark

I cannot see

Am not meant to see

What is next

The only assurance

I have

Is my breath

Sometimes

That does not feel like enough

Sometimes

It does

Breathing now

In

And

Out

Of my

Enoughness

 

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The Feelings Are Real

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The Feelings Are Real

There were a lot of people

They told us to move

In the confusion

I lost you

I finally decided

To sit down

The directions were clear

And I told myself

You would follow them

And we would find

each other again

I could already

feel you

Being angry and hurt

And, I, in response, felt angry and hurt and irritated and

trapped

Somehow

Someone found me

And took me to you

You detailed

How you tried

To find me

I listened

Without making excuses or explaining

I hadn't done anything wrong

You, feeling my

Neutrality

Began to release

Your own

Anxiety and panic

I thought to myself

When he is done

I'm going to

Share my experience

How I felt

What it was like for me

But before I could do this

I woke up

It was a dream

But the feelings

Were real.

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CRADLED

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CRADLED

You threw me a rope
I climbed up
I thought you would be standing there
But you were gone

And then I remembered
You
The rope
The climb
You leaving
I dreamed it all in
To support me
In living my truest life

You see
I am made of stars
Made by me
And so everything
I experience
Is made of stars
Made by me
For me

I am at once hurtling
through time and space
And at the same time
Cradled in the
greatest love
I have ever known

#poetry #words #energy #essence #love #dream #truestlife #essence #magic #whatdoyoudaretodream #ellenrobinsonwords #travelingartist #art #painttheworldwithyourmagic #thejoypractice #joycreates

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JOY BREATHES

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JOY BREATHES

I am feeling needy

I reach out to you

You don’t respond

The way that I need

I am heartbroken

And despondent

I repeat this cycle

Multiple times

Then

I feel needy

And I

Hesitate

I do not reach out

This time

Instead

I sit with

Myself

And I OPEN

To that need

My need

And it's so

Fucking scary

Because I feel

Like I’m falling

And I feel like

I’m going to

Die

But I keep breathing

This is important

I keep breathing

And what begins

To happen

Is that

My breath

Begins to

Hold me

And through my tears and terror

I begin to know

The faintest idea

Of JOY

The need still comes

But mostly

I am able

To look inside

To fill me

And this empowers me

Empowered

I might reach out

And I might not

But I do it because

I truly want to

And your reaction

Does not affect me

Because I am sitting

Right in the

Center of my very own

Heart & Soul

 

#heart #soul #need #empowered #lifesdance #breakingfree #freedom #ellenrobinsonwords #poetry #music #magic #anythingispossible #whenyoubelieveittobepossible #ccic #cciccommunity #indyartscence #indyartist #thejoypractice #joyfeels #joybreathes #joyreceives

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What Are You Not Saying?

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What Are You Not Saying?

It may be because I am reading
The Book Thief.
I decided to take our
8-month-old Golden Retriever
For a pre-bed walk
He had been ancy all day
And I knew the fresh air would
Benefit me greatly
About 5 minutes into my walk
I received an image of Hitler
And I saw all of his men gathered
Around him
And I thought
At what point
Did they all agree
With what he was saying?
That it was okay?
Where did their humanity go?
Was it always this way?
Or was it that Hitler mesmerized
People with his words and they
Believed whatever he said?
Or did they not know?
Did they not realize what he was suggesting?
Regardless
I wondered
At any point
Did any of those men
Regain their senses-
Their humanity
And take Hitler
By the shoulders
Look him in the eyes and say
Man - don't ya know?
They are human
Just like us
They ARE us
We are all connected
And that any atrocity
Committed against
Another
Is he same as committing it
Against
Your Self?
Man - don't ya know?
What are you saying?
What are we doing?
I wonder at any point
Did anyone say anything
Directly to him, connecting
With him- to his soul?
And then I thought -
I hope I would have
I hope I would have said something
Even though it would most certainly mean
Death.
And then, because this is what
I do
I asked my Self
Ellen, what are you not saying?
And to whom?
With whom do you want
To connect
Soul to soul?
Taking them
Gently by the shoulders
Looking into their eyes?
What do you need to say?
And then I wondered
About You
And all of the people
In the universe...
And how the world would be so different
If we all did this
Connected
Soul to soul
And said what we need to say
Today, perhaps you might decide
To do this
Please take this chance
On Aliveness
Because if you remain
MUTE
There will most certainly be
Death.

#thejoypractice

Ellen Robinson is a creative coach & joy catalyst, recently releasing her first book, The Joy Practice, becoming more of who you are by experiencing life fully and directly.

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Naked

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Naked

I did not realize how hungry I was...to be naked, standing, in the Truth. For full piece, click on title.

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Container & Catalyst

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Container & Catalyst

...perhaps the Soul is like a container or holder for the Spirit and the Spirit a catalyst for the Soul? Perhaps they help each other, support each other, even depend on each other? Click on title for full piece.

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Bad Dog

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Bad Dog

Perhaps you have experienced this, someone labeling you as “bad” for not living according to their myopic measuring stick.  For full piece, click on title.

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Let Joy Lead You

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Let Joy Lead You

Happy Rebirth! In Numerology, the word Easter carries the energy of the number 5. Five energy is all about FREEDOM. Wow! Imagine that! Let it Out! Unleash Your Truth! Be Free! Be at Peace! Get your needs met. Allow. Unfold yourself. Live to love. Love to live! Dance! Sing! Laugh! Skip! Be free! What do you IMAGINE for yourself? Whatever you can imagine you can manifest! Create the IMAGE in your mind! And then FEEL what that will BE like when it comes into your EXPERIENCE! YES! The magic of expectancy! YUM! When you light up YOU, you are lighting others' pilot lights so that the eternal flame of passion and desire that lives within can be FREED!  Be Free! Live Alive! Out Loud! Magnificent! What do you want? What do you need? Ask yourself these questions! This week, I asked that I be led to my Joy with ease, grace, tenderness and love. What is your desire? Claim it! You are LIGHT! And your light shining is a beacon of clarity for you and others! It is a new day. A day of beginning and LOVE! A day of Awakening and New Life! Newness! Birth! Awakening! It is here! Put on your party hat and be ALIVE in it! Dance! Sing! Party! Party! Party! Yes! You are alive with passion and joy in your heart! You. Are. Alive! Do you know this? Do you FEEL it? Allow the aliveness that wants to be expressed through YOU as YOU! Glory Goodness, You are ALIVE! Free! Feel the pulsing in your being. The beat of your internal drum wanting to spring forth and be alive with Joy & Wonder! YOU are a magical, mystical and miraculous being! Embrace you! Love you! Be YOU! Smile because you are LOVE. You are JOY. You are Passion. You are FREEdom! Yes!! You are all of these things because the heavens are inside of you! No shame. No blame. No judgement. No guilt. You are a beautiful being of star light! Love who you are! Every part and parcel. Every morsel of YOU! You being you. That's all you need to do and be! Free! Fly! Fly! Fly! Dare to Dream the seemingly impossible dream! If you can imagine it, you can manifest it!  What do you imagine? Love and Allowance among all people, that's what I SEE!  We don't all need to like each other but we can LOVE and ALLOW. This starts with YOU loving and allowing YOU for YOU as YOU! You are light, love, freedom & Joy! Joy is YOU! Go toward Joy! Let Joy Lead You! Be Free!

Ellen Inspires is a creative coach & joy catalyst and partners with individuals and groups to create and manifest their visions & dreams. To contact Ellen, click here.

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Cliff Jumping

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Cliff Jumping

With each stroke of the brush, we are shaping anew our mental and emotional patterns and coming into closer alignment with our unique spiritual signature.  Click on Title to see full piece.

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Heart Visioning

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When we begin to tap into the "insane" mind, we are operating in the space of possibility, the place where creative genius resides.  For full article click on title.

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